Is this what taking anti-depressants feels like? I hear they subdue a range of emotions? I mean, I think I must have a care in the world, but I am not sure exactly what it is. And I’ve recently become fascinated by the notion of to want, so I’d like to talk about that for a minute.
I got a pedicure this evening, and, as always, I had trouble picking a color. Oftentimes, the nice lady, the manicurist, asks me what I want. Hmm, what I want? What does it mean to want a color when you don’t know what color you want? There’s an implied assumption that there’s an underlying desire for something, and if she can just find out what that is, she could guide me to the right hue of red — the one that I want. I recalled that during the elevator ride in my building minutes before, I tried to prepare for this moment by thinking about the color I would choose. I hoped for the sort of color that would hint at purple without being silly purple, maybe a magenta, and that it should look juicy somehow. I only hoped for it because I knew there was a slim chance I would spot on the color in my mind’s eye before I timed out on a reasonable duration for picking a polish. I ended up with some sort of blood red. It’s not what I wanted, but I guess I can live with it for a week.
Why did I want juicy magenta? And why didn’t the manicurist have an opinion or judgement about the color I chose? Why did she only focus on my want when it’s such a fleeting and practically indecipherable thing.
This also happened recently when I went shopping for sunglasses. I was hoping for simple aviators, but the shape wasn’t right for my face, so I was lost at sea in the sunglasses store. I tried on lots and lots of pairs. Eventually, a sales person asked me if she could help me, and I started showing her frames to get her opinion. Her response? Well, what did I want? What did I fucking want? If I knew that, I wouldn’t be standing there asking the opinion of a likely moron about an article that will sit on my face and make a first impression to tens of thousands of my Upper West Side neighbors or whatever!
There are times when I do know what I want. I want a wallet that has two cash compartments, holds about 10 credit cards, has a coin purse on the inside and a patch pocket (no closure) on the outside, snap closure, made of leather, for under $80. Think I’m going to find it just because I want it? NO. That’s easy. No, I won’t find it. So what difference does it make if I want it?
And I want a very big hug, or to give someone a hug. But all I have is a viscous cat. I guess I could hug him, but I will experience emotional dissonance when I do.
I have a friend who says he doesn’t really want anything. I think I understand that feeling now.
—-I really enjoyed this. it reminded me of when I was little and my Dad said that all my sentences started with 2 words, “I want…”
Lately I have been doing a lot of reflection, on my life, my past, where I have come from and where I have gone. It has been a long and at times hard journey. It has taken quite a bit to make me realize that what I am doing with my life is exactly what I set out to accomplish 10 years ago. I am proud of myself and I think I deserve to be proud. The main challenge that I am confronting is what do I do with myself now that I have reached my goal.
Special Messengers Reconnecting with Friends Every person that passes through our lives makes a contribution to our life stories. There are those who play large roles and make deep impressions, but sometimes a brief special appearance before life takes them in another direction creates a meaningful connection. It is a rare gift when they suddenly reappear in our lives after a long absence.
Though the world may seem full of more people than we could ever know, we are often drawn to people with similar energy, which brings us together time and time again. On first meeting, the characters in our life stories may seem familiar. We may know each other from past lives or perhaps we merely recognize the energy of a kindred spirit. But when fate brings old friends back into our lives, there is always a reason. They may act as messengers, reminding us of a part of ourselves we have forgotten to nurture. They might appear to give us a chance to react in a new way to an old situation. They may even bring up unresolved issues so that we may complete them, giving us the chance to move forward on our life path. Whether old friends, previous romances, or once and future partners, their reappearance is more than mere chance. They may never know what they bring into our lives, but the renewed contact is a gift.
If this hasn’t happened to you, maybe you are meant to initiate contact by seeking out old friends. If old friends come to mind or into your dreams, use their appearance as an excuse to get in touch. If an old song or movie reminds you of them, reach out to share the gift of renewed contact. Wherever you fall in the circle of connection and reconnection, be sure to look beyond the surprise of the moment to enjoy the deeper gift that this revelation brings.
I am running on 2 hours of sleep yet I am hyper as shit and bouncing all over the place. On top of that I am dysfunctional with work email today. I apparently set off a massive email chain at work not only with Atlantic but through the entire WMG corporation and it is all completely hilarious! Someone from IT fucked up and emailed an address that has everyone on the list and then I didn’t realize and I responded asking why I was on this email which in turn at least 50 people have responded with witty comments, crazy photos and silly youtube links. Oh man, THANK GOD IT IS FRIDAY AND I AM OFF ALL NEXT WEEK!